Butterflies are free

Once again I am faced with the feelings of powerlessness in the face of tragedy.  The grief I feel for this country is too large to hold in my heart.  There is a massive problem with guns, hate, and intolerance.  

I cannot fix what has come before me, but I do have an opportunity to fix what is ahead of me.  The greatest tools of influence I hold are the two children that I shepherd.   If I can make them better, then I can make the future better.   

I believe in the butterfly effect.   This is the theory that small change in a complex system can have large effects elsewhere.   I imagine the tiny breeze created from a gentle butterfly has the cumulative effect to create strong winds thousands of miles away. 

I want to create big winds of change.  I want to cause storms of kindness.   I want to build two beautiful butterflies with strong, kind wings.  I must start with what I can control, no matter how small.

Here’s what I think we can do as individuals, parents, and leaders:

Spend wisely:  Buy experiences not things.  Spend your money on trips, not toys.  Find ways for your children to experience different cultures, different environments, and different people.   I think hate is born out of fear, and fear is hard to hold onto when you try new things.   As an added bonus, when you have less stuff to clean, organize, and sort, you have more time to enjoy, learn, and explore.

Live consciously:  I’m often surprised at how much I am teaching my children even when I’m not trying.   My daughter and son are watching me most in my daily routines.  They are watching how I behave, what I love, and the words I choose.  I’ve often found Amelia talking to herself in the mirror, pretending to be me.   I want her mirror to be a good one. 

Speak lovingly:  Be abundant with tender words.   Don’t be afraid to say, “I love you” to anyone.  I say it out loud to my husband, kids, and family.  But I also tell it to friends, coworkers, and even the occasional stranger who helps me in the checkout line.  Don’t assume others know how you feel.   It’s the easiest and cheapest way to make other people feel great about themselves.  

In these big tragedies, start small to heal.  Be your own butterfly.  

The Turtle Brigade

One of the things that drives me crazy about my five year old daughter is that she’s really slow.  Not slow in mind, but slow in action.  She finds exceptionally clever ways to delay routine tasks like putting on shoes or getting in the car.  You’ll often find me standing at the front door frustrated and shouting, “You’re making us the Turtle Brigade again!” 

One of the deepest sources of my sadness is the inability to ask mom about her years of heavy parenting.  Since I can’t ask her, I usually turn to the stories about mom that other people wrote on index cards at her funeral for wisdom.   I recently flipped through The Cards and found this from a friend: 

“I have many memories from high school at her house waiting for Erica as she finished getting ready to go out.  I never minded – because these were the times I got to have ‘heart-to-hearts’ with Mrs. Neubert.  She always spoke to us as if we were adults and she was one of the kids at the same time.   When it was finally time to leave I always had the un-teenager thought, “I wish Erica’s mom were coming out with us.”   The funny thing is I can vividly remember these chats, but I couldn’t begin to tell you about any of the things we did afterwards.” – R.

Damn it.  Not only did I create the Turtle Brigade, I am the founding member.  Well played, fate. Well played, mom.   

So my lessons are clear:

1.  If you’ve ever waited for me, I’m sorry.  
2. My children are just holding up a mirror.  When I get frustrated with them, I’m really getting frustrated with myself.  
3. The spaces of waiting time are often disguised as the best parts of the conversation.

I just need to be patient.  In about ten years, I get to be that cool mom who almost gets asked to tag along with the teens. 

Who's afraid of the big bad mammogram?

Since my mom died of breast cancer, I’m forced to take precautions for myself.   I’ve had the BRCA gene testing (all clear!), the dietary overhaul (more broccoli!), and the breast self exams (what fun!).   So far, so good. 

Except for my questionable breasts.  I’ve got dense tissue and suspicious calcifications, so I get screened more often than most.  If the mammogram facility had a frequent flier program, I’d be a platinum member. 

Each time I sit in the waiting room, holding tightly to my own anxieties, all I think about is mom.  How she was strong, brave, and practical.  She knew mammograms were in my future - and for many of my female friends.  In the year before she died, she emailed me this:

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, and even if they have had them before, there is fear.  But there is no need to worry.  By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared.   Best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.

EXERCISE 1:  Open your refrigerator door, and insert one breast between the door and the main box.  Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.  Hold that position for five seconds.  Repeat in case the first time wasn’t effective.

EXERCISE 2:  Visit your garage at 3a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect.  Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor sideways with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car.  Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled.  Switch sides, and repeat for the other breast. 

EXERCISE 3:  Freeze two metal bookends overnight.  Strip to the waist.  Invite a stranger into the room.  Have the stranger press the bookends against either side of one of your breasts and smash the bookends together as hard as he/she can.  Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year to do it again.

You are now properly prepared!

Love,

Mom

So go forth, ladies.  Book your appointment, freeze your bookends, and have no fear!