Who's afraid of the big bad mammogram?

Since my mom died of breast cancer, I’m forced to take precautions for myself.   I’ve had the BRCA gene testing (all clear!), the dietary overhaul (more broccoli!), and the breast self exams (what fun!).   So far, so good. 

Except for my questionable breasts.  I’ve got dense tissue and suspicious calcifications, so I get screened more often than most.  If the mammogram facility had a frequent flier program, I’d be a platinum member. 

Each time I sit in the waiting room, holding tightly to my own anxieties, all I think about is mom.  How she was strong, brave, and practical.  She knew mammograms were in my future - and for many of my female friends.  In the year before she died, she emailed me this:

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, and even if they have had them before, there is fear.  But there is no need to worry.  By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared.   Best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.

EXERCISE 1:  Open your refrigerator door, and insert one breast between the door and the main box.  Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.  Hold that position for five seconds.  Repeat in case the first time wasn’t effective.

EXERCISE 2:  Visit your garage at 3a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect.  Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor sideways with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car.  Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled.  Switch sides, and repeat for the other breast. 

EXERCISE 3:  Freeze two metal bookends overnight.  Strip to the waist.  Invite a stranger into the room.  Have the stranger press the bookends against either side of one of your breasts and smash the bookends together as hard as he/she can.  Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year to do it again.

You are now properly prepared!

Love,

Mom

So go forth, ladies.  Book your appointment, freeze your bookends, and have no fear!