The Light that Never Goes Out

Yesterday was the anniversary of the day that my mom died.  I can remember gently holding her hand as she took her last breath, even thirteen years later.  Time has healed the wound, but the scar is still present.

For this thirteenth year, I struggled with how to define, or dare I say ‘celebrate’, this day.  It felt strange to do my daily activities blindly.

Go to work.  Buy groceries.  Pay bills. 

Is this respectful enough of the life she led?   Thirteen years ago at this moment I was not thinking about work, or meal planning or money. 

So I did what I thought reflected my values: gratitude, reflection, and honesty. 

Gratitude:  First, I let myself have uncomfortable moments.  I thought about what I lost.  I wondered how my life would be different if she was still here.  And then, in that painful valley, I remembered all that I had gained.  She taught me how to love with compassion, live with enthusiasm, and light up others.  She gave me perspective.   Her void was back filled with so many other people that make me grateful to be alive. 

Reflection: I lit a candle and let it burn all day as a constant reminder of her presence.  In the middle of making breakfast or cleaning dishes, mom was there, too.  Her brightness remained strong in the whirlwind of daily life.  When I came back from running errands, her light was still there - reminding me she’d always be at home waiting for me.

Honesty:  I told my co-workers about the symbolism of the day.  I told new friends who didn’t know my history.  And more importantly, I told my five-year-old daughter as she sat on the kitchen counter waiting for breakfast.

“Today is the day that my mom went to heaven,” I said with tears in my eyes.  

“Before she was a hundred?” she asked quietly.

“Yes, well before that.” I said, knowing she understood.   We hugged each other, and I let that emotion sink in so I could always remember it. 

I don’t know if I spent the day in the right way.  But the bigger question is whether I’m spending this life in the right way.  This anniversary is the reminder that my life needs to be more than the daily grind.  It’s a reflective, honest, struggle that I’ll chase the rest of my life.  And for that, I’m grateful.