Not Anymore

Over the holidays, my two-year-old son surprised us with a new phrase while I was changing a particularly messy diaper.

“Don’t want wipes,” he declared.  “Not anymore.” 

No wipes?  I didn’t understand what he had against cleaning wipes.  Then I saw his red, sore bottom under that poopy mess.  He didn’t want wipes because it makes his diaper rash hurt a lot more.

I sympathized, but I had to do what I had to do.  Poor boy.

Yet, now he uses this phrase all the time.  Poor mama. 

At bedtime I hear, “Don’t want to go night-night.  Not anymore.” 

In the morning he tells me, “Don’t want socks.  Not anymore.”

When I try to put him in a sharp looking button-down shirt, “Don’t want to be handsome.  Not anymore.”

I can’t get mad at these mini-tantrums.  There are a lot of things I don’t want to do anymore, too.

Duncan will learn so many things, but the biggest lesson I hope to teach him is to manage his free will.   The journey in his life will twist and turn based on when he decides to persevere in the face of challenge and when he chooses to quit.  He will need to exercise his right to do something ‘Not Anymore’ long after he’s out of diapers and getting dressed on his own.  

But first I must set the example and quit some of my own unhelpful behaviors.  I need to stop moving so fast and slow down.  I need to stop extreme multi-tasking and rest more.   I need to quit worrying about the future and trust the journey. 

If I stop those things, then I say yes to less stress, and less regret, and more happiness. 

Yet, quitting is a new-year resolution that feels near impossible for me.  I live with unending to-do lists and ambitious dreams.  Letting go and choosing to stop doing things will be my greatest challenge of free will.  But I will persevere because I don’t want to miss these development years of my sweet Duncan.  Not anymore.