The Big Questions

We all have heard that being a mom or dad is not an easy job.   When I was pregnant, well meaning friends and strangers would gently rest their arm on my shoulder and sigh, “Whew, parenting is tough.” 

But no one told me what this really meant.  I assumed they were talking about a couple of sleepless nights, messy diapers, and a few extra expenses.   Yes, all these hardships occurred, but someone should have told me about the Big Questions. 

The Big Questions are the ones that can't be solved with naps or diaper genies.  They are the ever present worries born from fear and guilt, such as, ‘What’s best for my children?  Should I stay at home or work full time?  How much television is too much?  Is it safe to hire babysitters from the internet?  Am I too lenient or too strict?  What if I’m not really enjoying this?  Did I really just lose my temper?   Most days I just struggle with the most basic, yet profound, Big Question: 'Am I a good or bad mom?'.  

Each time I ask myself this question, I have to believe I'm on the right side of the answer.  It's a daily leap of faith to claim I'm a good mom, even on my bad days.   

But I'm learning this may not even be a fair question.  Being good or bad is not easy to measure, nor static in the ever changing role of a parent.  I just try to do the best I can.  It starts with trusting that my love for my children, even when I may not like them, is enough.  It's about having confidence in my instincts to make the right choices, however difficult.  And it's most definitely laughing at those parenting moments so bizarre that I wonder if I'm just getting pranked, like this one:

I should just learn to be more like them.  They don't seem to be worried about good or bad or anything.  They are not asking questions of themselves (clearly!).  And they probably think I'm a pretty good mom. 

Children know more than we think.  Maybe they do have all the answers.